REVIEW: Golf

Game: Golf
Original Launch: October 1985
Relaunch: November 2010
Rating: 6 Stars


Golf on the NES is a game where a Mario knock-off guy tries to hit a tiny ball into a tiny hole 18 times. In keeping with the spirit of the links (the grassy kind, not Zelda’s boyfriend) I will attempt to review this game in scorecard format.

Above Par

+ Golf has an excellent club selection with 14 clubs. All your irons, woods, wedges and a putter are represented.

+ Have you played Wii Sports Golf? Then you will recognize the course right away. The 9 holes of Wii Sports golf are based on the holes from NES Golf.

ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!?!?!

+ Timing the swing was tricky enough to be consistently challenging. Adjusting the force of your club swing never feels unfair.

+ The first time I actually hit par on a hole was oddly thrilling. Pulling off the shot you want is a rewarding experience.

+ Intuitive enough that a non-sports gamer like myself felt comfortable with the interface after the first hole.

+ Aiming putts is consistent and accurate. I wish I could putt this well in Wii Sports Golf.

+ Two player mode is fun and competitive.

+ Fills the elusive “Games my Mom Could Play” niche.

+ Mario! Sort of. Because the features aren't quite spot on it feels like Mario concept art and that gives it some small degree of street cred.


In the Rough

- Golf?! Really?! That’s the best name the chimps in marketing could come up with?

- The course design feels random. Often you will find the fairway to be a series of islands.

A course is a course, of course, of course.

- There is a line of trees to indicate the Out of Bounds line, but beyond that is all blackness. It’s like the Langoliers ate the rest of the world.

- There is no distance indicator/estimator built into the interface. The only way you know how far your stroke of any given club will go is by your own experience.

- The lack of a running score card makes it difficult to chart your progress per hole.

- The view of Mario swinging the club is useless. The change in terrain that shows at his feet seems random and does not add any new information to the screen.

- The aiming for the drives and chips is horrible. Why not use the excellent aiming present when putting?

- Since the game is turn based, they could have implemented 4 players easily by sharing a single controller. This would have really helped since sports games tend to be more fun in groups.

- No in-game music. And a congratulatory theme after each hole would have been nice. Sound is sparse.

Slow, SLOW DOWN, WHY WON'T YOU STOP ROLLING!!

I believe Mark Twain defined Golf video games as good sit spoiled. This prototypical Golf game seems to hit birdies and bogies in equal number. It would make sense to score this game right down the middle, but the fun factor counts for a lot. Even though I had decided before I started that I was going to hate this game, I ended up having a lot of fun with it. I can see myself coming back to Golf in the future. One could do worse than to spend some time with Golf.



Review in a Haiku
Swing, cheer, swing, grumble,
Swing, swear, swing, throw controller,
Swing, sigh, putt, putt, plop.

REVIEW: Baseball

Game: Baseball
Original Launch: October 1985
Relaunch: November 2010
Rating: 6 stars

Don't say they didn't warn you

The NES launched in America with several sports games: Football, Tennis, Golf, and Baseball. Baseball might be the best of the bunch. It has a fair amount of issues, for sure; but the controls are fairly in depth for a sports game of its time, and the multiplayer can be pretty fun.

Baseball has one mode: a 9-inning exhibition game that you can either play against the computer or a friend. You can choose from one of six teams: A, C, D, P, R, or Y.

The old school rivalry: A vs R

The letters are supposed to represent the Athletics, Cardinals, Dodgers, Phillies, Royals, and Yankees. No specific players are mentioned in the game, however the color schemes for each team are about right.

Pitching is my favorite part of the game, even though it can be frustrating at times. You have four pitches to choose from (fastball, changeup, curve, and screwball), and you can actually move the pitch left and right after you throw the ball. You can even try to pick off the baserunners, though I've never been successful. (On the other hand, every time I even think of stealing a base, the computer picks me off.) If you make a mistake or throw the ball right down the middle, the computer will usually make you pay. And similar to Nintendo's Tennis game, if the ball is out of the strike zone, the computer will rarely swing at it.

This ball hit me in the face, and I still swung

Hitting is pretty simple. Swing the bat, hit the ball. You can stop your swing halfway to try to bunt. The timing of your swing determines where you hit the ball. Unlike the computer, who's plate discipline is uncanny, I will swing at pretty much every piece of crap they throw. [SPORTS JOKE ALERT] If the computer is Tony Gwynn, I am Mario Mendoza.

So far, this game sounds pretty good, right? That's because we haven't talked about the fielding yet. Sweet Sammy Sosa, the fielding is atrocious in this game. There were times I wasn't even positive my controller was plugged in. The developers even knew the fielding mechanisms were terrible, but apparently, they figured this disclaimer would be good enough:



I really can't tell you how annoying the fielding is. If the computer's hit made it into the outfield, the ball invariably rolled past my guys all the way to the wall. Then I just ran in circles like a bumbling idiot while the computer circled the bases. Is the computer controlling my defenders? Am I controlling the left fielder or the center fielder? Do I have a mental disability? I honestly don't know after playing this game.

The two player mode is much more enjoyable. The fielding is still just as terrible, but at least you're both swinging at balls in the dirt and getting inside-the-park home runs on grounders to the short stop. The game kind of drags on, especially with no music (except during home runs) and few sound effects. Expect to take the better part of an hour to play one game.

Game set, team P!

Baseball for NES got a lot of things right. The pitching and hitting set the bar for games to come like R.B.I. Baseball and Baseball Stars. I love that you can choose from some actual MLB teams, even if it doesn't really mean anything. Unfortunately, the fielding is so bad, Baseball loses most of its replay value.




Review in a Haiku
Errors in the field,
Overshadowing the game,
It is a damn shame.

REVIEW: 10-Yard Fight

Game: 10-Yard Fight
Original Launch: October 1985
Relaunch: November 2010
Rating: 2 stars


Sometimes there are some games that come along,
These games aren't very fun or very strong,
They need to be reviewed; all of them do,
But we don't want to bore with the review,
So in an effort to help you tonight,
In iambic verse is how I'll write:

There are five difficulties in this game,
While they grow strong, your skill remains the same,
In order to advance to the next round,
A touchdown is the goal that must be found.

There is no point in attempting a pass,
The defense always intercepts your ass,
If they are even slightly in your way,
They pick the ball; they always make you pay.

Not only is he humping my face, he is also intercepting my pass.

There are occasions when they're kind of dumb,
Like on kickoffs or just a simple run,
Criss-cross the field, run backwards if you must,
They won't catch you; they will just eat your dust.

Pro tip: run all the way to the left, then block them all at once.

Though you can beat all of the other guys,
There is one thing you do that I despise:
It's like your cleats are filled with lead or stone,
You move so slow, it makes me have to groan.

Frustration is the theme of 10-Yard Fight,
It's rarely fun and doesn't get much right,
With so much wrong with it, it isn't whole,
I cannot wait till I play Tecmo Bowl.




Review in a Haiku
Diagonal lines:
Run in them, and you will score.
Computer is dumb.

REVIEW: Tennis

Game: Tennis
Original Launch: October 1985
Relaunch: October 2010
Rating: 5 stars


It's hard to review old sports games. As much as you try, you can't ignore the bias you have from playing through years of gradual improvements. In football games, you now have a bigger playbook and the ability control different positions. In baseball games, you can now adjust your swing and pick different pitches. Basketball games now allow you to substitute players and set up a pick and roll. Luckily, tennis is a pretty basic game: Just hit the ball back and forth. For the most part, there's not a whole lot that needs changing.

Tennis for NES lets you play singles or doubles, but you'll need a second human player to be your doubles partner. There are five different difficulties to choose from, ranging from 1 (practically disabled) to 5 (borderline superhuman). You can hit regular shots and lob shots, and you can even spike the ball when you are close to the net. You can (kind of) angle your shots if you face your character the right way. Be careful though, because Mario won't hesitate to call your ass out of bounds.

Get used to it.

A hatred for Mario that I never knew existed steadily developed while I played this game. I always knew he worked for Nintendo, but I never knew he was such a partial, cheating, fanboy prick. There were several times when I couldn't help but think that Nintendo Tennis was an inside job. My shots would be within millimeters of the line, and the computer wouldn't even attempt a swing. Meanwhile, Mario sat smugly in his judge's chair, shouting down his unjust rulings. And of course, the computer rarely, if ever, hits the ball out of bounds. If you want points, you're going to have to work for them.

Mario's prejudices aside, Tennis is a decent game. Playing on difficulty 1 is pretty pointless. You can run laps around the court while you wait for your opponent to hit the ball. I played an entire game hitting only lob shots, and I still creamed him.



Difficulty 5, however, is a different story. You can't mess around if you want a chance to beat this guy. Playing on the highest difficulty can be frustrating, but at least it gives you a challenge and gives Tennis a little replay value.

The mechanics are decent, but not great. I got frustrated a lot when I thought I was lined up perfectly, and the shot just kind of fell at my feet. It would be nice if the computer would occasionally hit a ball or two out of bounds. And I wish you could player multiplayer versus matches, instead of just doubles. My biggest problem with Tennis is actually the length of the games. You always play a 5-set match, and most of my games took around 45 minutes to complete. They do go faster, though, when you are getting whooped on the higher difficulty.

Tennis had its moments, but I think its time has passed. There are too many better options out there now if you want a quick, fun tennis game (and if you don't want to deal with the unbelievable asshat that is Judge Mario).



Review in a Haiku
My shot was in bounds,
What a shock...you called it out,
Screw you, Mario.