REVIEW: Wrecking Crew

Game: Wrecking Crew
Original Launch: October 1985
Relaunch: November 2010
Rating: 8 stars


Wrecking Crew in an action puzzle game that pits Mario as a construction (destruction?) worker whose job it is to break stuff.

I encourage you to click play and listen to Wrecking Crew's great tunes while you read the review.

Mario's tool of choice is his trusty hammer, which he apparently stole from the Donkey Kong work site. The objective of the game is to smash all that is smash-able. While attempting to ruin a lot of hard work put in by others, non-jumping Mario must stay one step ahead of those that pursue him: disturbing walking wrenches named Gotchawrenches, which give me nightmares, and guys dressed in Intel clean-room bunny suits named Eggplant Men. Eggplant Men are normally found at constructions sites, so this makes perfect sense. If you think about, these guys are the real heroes of the game, as they are trying to protect some unfortunate developer's financial interests from some Italian asshole with a hammer.

Anyways, dick around too long without breaking anything, and a fireball will manifest and stream across the level at which the dilly-dallying occurred. So move your ass and get to the vandalizing. Once all blocks are busted and breakable ladders are down, the level is complete. There is also an NPC named Spike the Foreman that shows up during bonus levels and on some regular levels to interrupt your flow. I'll expound upon that dumbass in a bit.

I need to point out early on in this review just how much I love the music of Wrecking Crew. When you start a level, you are greeted with a quick little tune as the level is revealed to you from the top to the bottom. The tune says to me, "Do-do do-do-do do do, Here's a construction site, now go and start breaking shit up." (Go ahead, sing that when a level starts, it fits.) Once the level begins, the background tune is the happiest fucking music to break stuff to, ever. It's a cool, flowing melody that I find myself humming while I break stuff in real life. Also, it's a relatively long tune for an NES game, especially a release title. The tune doesn't loop for a while. The music fits this game; it's advantageous of you to stay in motion as much as possible, what with the constant threat of aliens and angry tools, and the music reflects this, while not lending itself to a heightened sense of anxiety. Even the death tune is kind of like, "Oh well, you died, but maybe you'll do better next time" (You can't sing along with that verse.)

Never to be heard from again, it is believed that Spike the Foreman was given a "cement nap" by Mario after level 100.

Wrecking Crew has an interesting twist in the way of Spike The Foreman, an NPC that shows up to break stuff along side you. Initially, you only see him on the bonus levels, but then he shows up on some regular levels. Spike is annoying, because while he increases the challenge, he can ruin a level by smashing a required breakable ladder or by hammering a bomb before you ascend said ladder to take out blocks, forcing a mulligan. Dumb fuck. If you're going to compete with me, don't ruin it for the both of us.

Speaking of annoyances, shouldn't a hammer work as a weapon? Not in this game. An enemy touches you, and you are dead. There are a few ways of dealing with enemies, none of which include direct skull bashing. There are doors on some levels; if opened while an enemy walks toward them, the enemies will automatically enter and roam around behind the scenes. This takes them out of the picture for a little bit. You can also stun enemies buy hammering a bomb while they are on the same level, or by destroying a breakable ladder that they are climbing. There is one other way of managing them, which requires ninja-like gaming reflexes: trap them in a barrel. There are breakable pillars that are not a part of the required breakables, some of which have barrels over them. Although the odds of death are high, time it just right and the pursuing enemy will be trapped within the fallen barrel for the duration of the game. Time it wrong, and you are in the barrel. Pro tip: trap that asshole Spike to prevent his level-ruining shenanigans.

This won't end well. If only I had a hammer... oh, wait.

The game is fun, but not without some minor frustrations. There are occasional dead ends. You can circumstantially ruin a game by falling between two barrels, getting caught in a falling barrel, or destroying a ladder that leads to unbroken breakable objectives. With the exception of being trapped in a barrel, you must either allow an enemy to kill you, or await the Fireball of Impatience to put an end to your futile effort. If you're within a barrel, you're fucked, as you will have to reset the game by pressing select and thus lose your current score. Overall, though, this isn't a big deal.

I think that there is something primal within all human beings that enjoys the act of breaking shit. Go ahead, smash a beer bottle, I'll wait. See? Feel that adrenaline rush? It's a caveman response to thoughtless action that stays with us today. That's the appeal of Wrecking Crew. We love breaking shit. Rawr! HULK SMASH! And while there hasn't been a sequel to Wrecking Crew (outside of Japan, that is,) breaking stuff is a part of most current games. Ever play Burnout? How about Boom Blox? Perhaps a little-known series entitled Grand Theft Auto?

So, you see, even 25 years ago, Nintendo knew to tap into that primal element of humanity through a video game. Add to this some of the catchiest tunes ever and 100 levels of puzzle challenge, and Wrecking Crew holds up. I'm giving Wrecking Crew a solid 8 Stars, the Terrific Tunes stamp, the Praiseworthy Puzzler stamp, as well as the coveted Test of Time stamp.




Review in a Haiku
"Under construction"?
That's just an invitation
to smash everything.

REVIEW: Stack-Up

"Game": Stack-Up
Original Launch: October 1985
Relaunch: November 2010
Rating: 1 star, awarded for the jumping animation, and only because we nixed the 1/2 star system.

Stack Up isn't a game; it's a jumping simulator. Although the animation of the scientist jumping is very nice, that's not enough to carry this title beyond 1 star, in my oh-so humble-opinion. It would have been better served if the commands were entered via text. Ahh, good ol' text adventures...

I remember the first time I played a text adventure. My mind was entranced by the concept that I could tell the game what to do, and it might work! GO EAST. OPEN BOX. SEX GIRL. Well, some of them worked. Text adventures mixed the joy of reading with grand adventure, creating a truly interactive crossover experience. I was really blown away by the idea as a kid. I was sucked in.

I own this game today, box and all. Thanks, eBay.

My favorite was Adventure Land on the Commodore VIC-20. I think it was my favorite becuase I actually completed the game. A text-based game. Beaten. By me! I was so proud of myself. I can remember trying over and over again to work out the situations that I was confronted with. I remember giving a bear honey, catching mother fucking chiggers from climbing a tree (oh, the nightmares I had...) and finally figuring out to how to kill them: USE MUD, ON ARM. I remember seeing the sleeping dragon, and stealing a treasure from its lair. All of this, as if it were a book being played out by interrogative conjecture.

I played The Count, another text adventure for the VIC-20, but I never beat that one. I remember getting stumped on a bridge leading to his castle early on and deciding that watching TV would be more fun. I also recall playing a Rambo-based text adventure on the PC, inspired by memories of Adventure Land. I never got beyond going to a beach and looking at a river.

Try this thought on for size: the VIC-20 used cartridges for text-based games. That's 16,000 bytes of data on a chip, surrounded by plastic, with a label. Logistically speaking, the same amount of physical space nowadays can hold around 256,000,000,000 bytes. That's a lot of text. It would make for quite the advantageous text adventure.

It's a cartridge. It's a text adventure. They cared enough to make a text-adventure cartridge. Thank you, those that cared.

Wait. This is supposed to Stack-Up review. Fuck. OK, here goes nothing.

In Stack-Up, you jump from one tile to the next... and that's it. I'm guessing that R.O.B. would move pieces around its little plastic platform in conjuction with your on-screen actions (at least the ones that either the dog or I didn't swallow.) From what I've read, the game requires you to keep score for yourself, which screams of hax and cheatzors. If Stack-Up were a text adventure, the only keywords would be JUMP and a direction, and you'd never make progress, because fucking infinity.

At its best, Stack-Up could be considered a "tech demo" for R.O.B. If I where a 12-year-old and had received Stack-Up, I would have given up on video games altogether. Perhaps I would injure the gift giver, or more than likely just mutter under my breath (I was a scrawny little boy, rather incapable of damage-dealing.) I probably would have used the light-gun with Stack-Up just to try to make it interesting. There is a two-player mode, but no I refuse you can't make me I won't do it fuck you Dan you slave-driving fuck.

So, in closing, and if you ever get the chance, download the original Scott Adams Adventure Land and enjoy the graphics of your mind.



Review in a Haiku
Stack-Up is such shit;
It isn't a game at all.
Stupid tech demo.

REVIEW: Kung Fu

Game: Kung Fu
Original Launch: October 1985
Relaunch: October 2010
Rating: 7 Stars



Kung Fu for the NES is a side-scrolling beat’em up where you take on the role of a martial artist Thomas, out to save his kidnapped girlfriend Sylvia from "Mr.X." Mr X is a very bad man that kidnaps women.

Kung Fu is an arcade port of Kung Fu Master. I’ve played the arcade version, and I have to say that I prefer the NES version. The arcade version featured a tall, lanky hero who, to me, was lethargic in comparison to the hero of the NES Kung Fu. Also, due to the size of the arcade character, there was slightly less of the level shown on screen. The NES version better has tighter controls, and the animation appears faster, giving the game play a more robust feel.

Yea, I'm awesome. So awesome, the next thug is going to hug me.

The game has you ascending the five floors of the Mr. X’s hideout in order to save your Sylvia. The levels are populated by various goons: tall men, short men, and knife-throwers. The knife-throwers throw either high or low, so some patience is required in vanquishing them. Some floors have decorative balls that fall from the ceiling, containing either snakes, dragons, or ninja stars. I haven't seen that many martial arts movies, but I'm left to assume that snakes and dragons in baskets must be a staple. I know that ninja stars are. One floor has holes on the walls, out of which killer moths fly. I think my fear of flying insects was spawned by this game.

Each floor has a mini-boss guarding the stairs. Each boss has his own fighting style, which made each encounter interesting. The first floor boss has a staff, which is pretty easy to avoid. On the second floor, the boss throws two boomerangs, which dish out heinous damage. The boss of floor three is a tall, bald black guy that will kick the shit out of you in like two hits. The fourth floor is guarded by a short troll who's head disappears (OHMYGOD) when kicked. Pro tip: kneel and punch. The fifth and final floor is the home of Mr. X. Although very cool looking, he's kind of a puss. Two jump-kicks to the head and BAM, he's off the ledge.

Your attacks are kick and punch, with the ability to place a well-timed jump kick. The jump kick can knock out floating or flying enemies, along with taking out multiple goons, if they are lined up close enough. Punching has a shorter range, but you get 200 points per hit as opposed to 100, making it advantageous to racking up a high score. Punching has the advantage of being a faster attack, though.

I'm tired of these motherfucking snakes on my motherfucking head.

The game has good play control, and the graphics are solid. I like the sound effects; each one fits well to the corresponding event, such as the hero’s Hyyahh! with each kick/punch, to the sound of a ball popping on the floor and snake squeeking out. The background music is good fit to the motif, as well. There's a constant sense of urgency throughout the game. Regarding replay, once you defeat Mr. X, the game starts over with increased difficulty. It makes for a good arcade-style challenge.

Kung Fu stands the test of time. Getting a feel for the game leads to gratifying moments, such as jump-kicking two tall stooges, sailing over the short one in the middle, landing and low-kicking the shit out of a knife-thrower. Just like real life.




Review in a Haiku
Those damn ceiling balls,
Falling and exposing snakes.
Someone call PETA!

REVIEW: Duck Hunt / Gyromite

Game: Duck Hunt / Gyromite
Original Launch: October 1985
Relaunch: October 2010
Ratings: Duck Hunt, 6 stars / Gyromite, 2 stars


Nintendo knows. They've always known. It's clear to me now that Nintendo understands and recognizes that video game entertainment is not necessarily confined to a button-based handheld input controller, and that it never has been. Consider the Wii: when it was announced, it was generally lambasted as a novelty. Nintendo had been a distant third behind the PlayStation 2 and Microsoft Xbox in the console war, and appeared to be making a major gaff by presenting a system that offered hardware specs that led many to deride it as little more than Gamecube 1.5, and not a true next-gen successor.

What was truly happening was this: Nintendo was going back to its roots. In October of 1985, Nintendo released the Nintendo Entertainment System, A.K.A. the NES. Knowing that they were entering a market that had just experienced a video game crash, they realized that they had to offer something different. That difference came in the form of a light-gun and a robot, both of which offered new ways for the player to interact with their games. Little did we know at the time, but these were the seeds that would grow into the various interactivity options put forth by Nintendo, eventually leading them back to being the industry leader.

The fuck you laughing at?

The light gun was used by the launch title Duck Hunt. Duck Hunt features three game modes: 1 Duck, 2 Duck, and Clay Shooting. The accuracy of the gun depended upon your distance from your (tube-based) TV. I found that the accuracy overall was pretty good, making for a fun shooting-gallery style game. To enable cheat mode, you held the muzzle of the gun an inch from to the screen. Although simple and repetitive, I always had a good time playing Duck Hunt. I felt like quite the marksman, blasting those small clay pigeons out of the sky, followed by reducing the high-speed ducks found in the later levels to dead projectiles.

What Duck Hunt is iconic for, though, is the dog. American gamers weren't generally accustomed to straight-out mockery by a game because on poor performance, but that's exactly what Duck Hunt did. Miss a duck, and that fucking dog would poke his head up over the brush... and snicker at you. Infuriating! Numerous light-bursts were regularly expelled from the gun in an attempt to blast that laughing mutt.

Yea, I'm sure I won't lose any of the pieces.

If the Light Gun lightly foreshadowed the genius of the Wiimote, it can be said that R.O.B., the Robotic Operating Buddy, was the harbinger of the Virtual Boy. While intriguing in concept, R.O.B. never took off in popularity, hence the fact that only two titles were ever produced to work with it. What R.O.B. did, essentially, was push buttons on controller 2, making him a Buddy that Operated, who happened to be a Robot. Yeah. With the multitude of small plastic components, the unit rarely stayed Operational, as the average 12-year-old wasn't much for taking care of relatively complex apertures, unless they were Lego-based.

Gyromite was one of the two R.O.B.-compatible titles. You are a scientist, trapped within a complex, and you must collect the dynamite and vegetables before being eviscerated by the roaming bad things. I've never had the opportunity to use R.O.B. to play this game, but I did play with a friend. Gyromite transforms from "help from a robotic teammate" to "go ahead, trust me, fall backwards. I'll catch you." Two player Gyromite will show you the true nature of the person you once considered a friend. If they're feeling ambiguous, they'll play the role of R.O.B. and move pylons out of your way so that you can successfully reach the your goals. If they are feeling treacherous (which my friends apparently strive to be), the game becomes a scientist-crushing simulator. It'd be one thing if you could hop out of the way; the game would be mildly versus-like, with player one managing the wily doctor and player two running the death machinations. Unfortunately, it's a carrot of a different color. The moment you cross the threshold of a pylon, you can be instantly destroyed by a bloodthirsty Lucy van Pelt. Once player two reaches ambivalence, the game become a monotonous foray into walking along pathways, collecting stuff and avoiding brain-dead bad guys.

I trusted you, goddamnit ;_ ;

Neither game stands the test of time, not from a game-play point of view nor a technological one. Good luck finding a complete, working R.O.B. to play Gyromite as it was intended, let alone a CRT television to bounce light signals off of. But that’s not what these games are about. What these games represent is an early example of the level of creativity that Nintendo was capable of, and what consumers could come to expect in the following 25 years. Not content with a button-based controller input, Nintendo was willing to take the home video gaming experience into new, uncharted directions. I think the world lost sight of that prior to the Wii launch, but I'm glad that Nintendo hadn't. Redefining the video game experience is something at which Nintendo has become an artisan. It’s my hope that Nintendo Relaunch is able to put that significance into perspective.

Duck Hunt


Gyromite


Review in a Haiku
I want to believe
That light-guns have a future
And robots do not.

Happy Birthday, Nintendo!

Nintendo Co., Ltd. is a multinational corporation located in Kyoto, Japan. Founded on September 23, 1889 by Fusajiro Yamauchi, it produced handmade hanafuda cards.

What are they thinking?

This Japanese card company doesn't know what it's getting itself into. Americans know and love Atari, and with their new system on the horizon, the 7800, I don't think this "Family Computer" stands a chance.

Did I mention the 7800 is backwards-compatible with the 2600's library? Game, set, match.

I can't wait.

I am so fucking tired of my 2600. If anything can save us from this video game collapse, it's this Japanese card game company's Famicom, or whatever the hell they're calling it. All I know is that Donkey Kong arcade game was the shit. That monkey has a future. I can't say the same about that guy with the mustache.