REVIEW: Donkey Kong Jr.

Game: Donkey Kong Jr.
Original Launch: June 1986
Relaunch: December 2010
Rating: 6 stars



Greetings all nerds!

(For those non-nerds reading, I will try not to exclude you any further. I will try to horn in some words to garner your attention. Like football, Monster truck, rabies, candelabra, and rap-music.)

Simon here and I've been given the opportunity to review the near and dear classic, Donkey Kong Jr. The game itself is a breaking of tradition from the original Donkey Kong. This sequel's name actualy makes more narrative sense. Why would you name a game after the penultimate villain? It's like calling Super Mario Brothers, "Koopa." Tetris, "Z-Block." Football, "The Other Team." Or Metroid, "Mother Brain."

The dialog that I assume occurred after the events of Donkey Kong, go something like this:

Mario: Pauline! I'm-a so happy my carpentry skills of-a swingin' a hammer has-a freed you!

Pauline: Oh Mario!

Mario: This-a giant ape with purple and yellow stars orbiting his unconscious head has-a to pay for his barrel throwing and kidnapping!

Pauline: But Mario, what court in the world would prosecute this 16x16 pixel brute?!

Mario: They won't-a have to! I'm gonna build a cage and capture some tiny alligators and other assorted animals to hinder anyone who may have a soft spot in their heart for this 2-dimensional being!

Pauline: Oh Mario! Your aggression towards animals makes me so happy!
Mario and Pauline embrace.

Donkey Kong Jr. glares at them from behind a flaming barrel and runs off around the corner.

This all happened in 1982.

Let's begin the actual game review. The game pops right up with a catchy tune with a selection of 1 Player or 2 Player. It's a very solid presentation. Retro enthusiasts will adore the simple black background, which is present throughout the entire game. It gives the moving characters that certain “pop” that you can't get with any other game.

The control. (If I could put a Picard Facepalm right here, I would. That's one thing I give the ancient Egyptians: they had a whole cartouche to work with: Bird, wavy water, Picard, bird.) This Jr. Kong handles worse than a Monster truck doing the job of a Zamboni. And, to top it off, the “I can touch that“ meter is waaaay off. For one, you'll be climbing up a vine and your hand easily makes it past the encephalitic red alligator and all of a sudden, he bites your teeny tiny toe and you plummet to your pre-diabetic death. So, you've now assumed that, “Hey, the tiny overlap of 4 pixels applies to damage. Awesome, I can balance my primate off of this minuscule precipice.” ---- “FFFFFFFUUUUUUUU” And you fall. Three feet. And die. One out of three, gone.

You only have one action button, A for jump and the D-pad for the obvious. Also, if you make yourself walk into anything that isn't a fruit, chain, or vine, you will die. Ideal for those with terminal rabies.

The first level is easy enough. The vine you need to get started is literally right there above the crotch-exposing Donkey (I'm assuming that “Kong” is his last name, like the Mario Bros.) Just a couple of fruit-grabbing arm stretches; you are a couple of jumps away from tea-bagging Mario. Why Donkey just stands on the platform after he bests Mario confuses me.

“Ahhh! That purple buzzard bit my butt!!!” Is all you'll be emitting in the second level. Surprisingly, the 3^rd level, TRON, is pretty easy.

Not TRON, but close enough

The 4^th level must be the final level I assume, because Donkey senior is at the top and dead center. And I never passed it. (That's a lie. The game just cycles back around to the first level like sampled rap-music) And, after the futuristic Metropolis of level three, there is nowhere else one can go.

The way the vines hang exactly like an upside down candelabra just teases Donkey from rescuing his dad. The variation of music when you “free” your dad is unexpected for a first gen Nintendo game. The only sense of “defeating” is the frustration you get after falling because you hit your head on the floating platform.

Overall, the graphics are nice and crisp, something I'd like to see in Super Mario Crossover. Sound effects, heavy handed (walk left, blurp-tee, blurp-tee, blup-tee.). The music was surprising. But the replay value is horrendous.

Review in a Haiku

Must rescue my Dad!
That banana's not worth it.
This level again?

-Simon-

REVIEW: Golf

Game: Golf
Original Launch: October 1985
Relaunch: November 2010
Rating: 6 Stars


Golf on the NES is a game where a Mario knock-off guy tries to hit a tiny ball into a tiny hole 18 times. In keeping with the spirit of the links (the grassy kind, not Zelda’s boyfriend) I will attempt to review this game in scorecard format.

Above Par

+ Golf has an excellent club selection with 14 clubs. All your irons, woods, wedges and a putter are represented.

+ Have you played Wii Sports Golf? Then you will recognize the course right away. The 9 holes of Wii Sports golf are based on the holes from NES Golf.

ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!?!?!

+ Timing the swing was tricky enough to be consistently challenging. Adjusting the force of your club swing never feels unfair.

+ The first time I actually hit par on a hole was oddly thrilling. Pulling off the shot you want is a rewarding experience.

+ Intuitive enough that a non-sports gamer like myself felt comfortable with the interface after the first hole.

+ Aiming putts is consistent and accurate. I wish I could putt this well in Wii Sports Golf.

+ Two player mode is fun and competitive.

+ Fills the elusive “Games my Mom Could Play” niche.

+ Mario! Sort of. Because the features aren't quite spot on it feels like Mario concept art and that gives it some small degree of street cred.


In the Rough

- Golf?! Really?! That’s the best name the chimps in marketing could come up with?

- The course design feels random. Often you will find the fairway to be a series of islands.

A course is a course, of course, of course.

- There is a line of trees to indicate the Out of Bounds line, but beyond that is all blackness. It’s like the Langoliers ate the rest of the world.

- There is no distance indicator/estimator built into the interface. The only way you know how far your stroke of any given club will go is by your own experience.

- The lack of a running score card makes it difficult to chart your progress per hole.

- The view of Mario swinging the club is useless. The change in terrain that shows at his feet seems random and does not add any new information to the screen.

- The aiming for the drives and chips is horrible. Why not use the excellent aiming present when putting?

- Since the game is turn based, they could have implemented 4 players easily by sharing a single controller. This would have really helped since sports games tend to be more fun in groups.

- No in-game music. And a congratulatory theme after each hole would have been nice. Sound is sparse.

Slow, SLOW DOWN, WHY WON'T YOU STOP ROLLING!!

I believe Mark Twain defined Golf video games as good sit spoiled. This prototypical Golf game seems to hit birdies and bogies in equal number. It would make sense to score this game right down the middle, but the fun factor counts for a lot. Even though I had decided before I started that I was going to hate this game, I ended up having a lot of fun with it. I can see myself coming back to Golf in the future. One could do worse than to spend some time with Golf.



Review in a Haiku
Swing, cheer, swing, grumble,
Swing, swear, swing, throw controller,
Swing, sigh, putt, putt, plop.

REVIEW: Baseball

Game: Baseball
Original Launch: October 1985
Relaunch: November 2010
Rating: 6 stars

Don't say they didn't warn you

The NES launched in America with several sports games: Football, Tennis, Golf, and Baseball. Baseball might be the best of the bunch. It has a fair amount of issues, for sure; but the controls are fairly in depth for a sports game of its time, and the multiplayer can be pretty fun.

Baseball has one mode: a 9-inning exhibition game that you can either play against the computer or a friend. You can choose from one of six teams: A, C, D, P, R, or Y.

The old school rivalry: A vs R

The letters are supposed to represent the Athletics, Cardinals, Dodgers, Phillies, Royals, and Yankees. No specific players are mentioned in the game, however the color schemes for each team are about right.

Pitching is my favorite part of the game, even though it can be frustrating at times. You have four pitches to choose from (fastball, changeup, curve, and screwball), and you can actually move the pitch left and right after you throw the ball. You can even try to pick off the baserunners, though I've never been successful. (On the other hand, every time I even think of stealing a base, the computer picks me off.) If you make a mistake or throw the ball right down the middle, the computer will usually make you pay. And similar to Nintendo's Tennis game, if the ball is out of the strike zone, the computer will rarely swing at it.

This ball hit me in the face, and I still swung

Hitting is pretty simple. Swing the bat, hit the ball. You can stop your swing halfway to try to bunt. The timing of your swing determines where you hit the ball. Unlike the computer, who's plate discipline is uncanny, I will swing at pretty much every piece of crap they throw. [SPORTS JOKE ALERT] If the computer is Tony Gwynn, I am Mario Mendoza.

So far, this game sounds pretty good, right? That's because we haven't talked about the fielding yet. Sweet Sammy Sosa, the fielding is atrocious in this game. There were times I wasn't even positive my controller was plugged in. The developers even knew the fielding mechanisms were terrible, but apparently, they figured this disclaimer would be good enough:



I really can't tell you how annoying the fielding is. If the computer's hit made it into the outfield, the ball invariably rolled past my guys all the way to the wall. Then I just ran in circles like a bumbling idiot while the computer circled the bases. Is the computer controlling my defenders? Am I controlling the left fielder or the center fielder? Do I have a mental disability? I honestly don't know after playing this game.

The two player mode is much more enjoyable. The fielding is still just as terrible, but at least you're both swinging at balls in the dirt and getting inside-the-park home runs on grounders to the short stop. The game kind of drags on, especially with no music (except during home runs) and few sound effects. Expect to take the better part of an hour to play one game.

Game set, team P!

Baseball for NES got a lot of things right. The pitching and hitting set the bar for games to come like R.B.I. Baseball and Baseball Stars. I love that you can choose from some actual MLB teams, even if it doesn't really mean anything. Unfortunately, the fielding is so bad, Baseball loses most of its replay value.




Review in a Haiku
Errors in the field,
Overshadowing the game,
It is a damn shame.

REVIEW: Duck Hunt / Gyromite

Game: Duck Hunt / Gyromite
Original Launch: October 1985
Relaunch: October 2010
Ratings: Duck Hunt, 6 stars / Gyromite, 2 stars


Nintendo knows. They've always known. It's clear to me now that Nintendo understands and recognizes that video game entertainment is not necessarily confined to a button-based handheld input controller, and that it never has been. Consider the Wii: when it was announced, it was generally lambasted as a novelty. Nintendo had been a distant third behind the PlayStation 2 and Microsoft Xbox in the console war, and appeared to be making a major gaff by presenting a system that offered hardware specs that led many to deride it as little more than Gamecube 1.5, and not a true next-gen successor.

What was truly happening was this: Nintendo was going back to its roots. In October of 1985, Nintendo released the Nintendo Entertainment System, A.K.A. the NES. Knowing that they were entering a market that had just experienced a video game crash, they realized that they had to offer something different. That difference came in the form of a light-gun and a robot, both of which offered new ways for the player to interact with their games. Little did we know at the time, but these were the seeds that would grow into the various interactivity options put forth by Nintendo, eventually leading them back to being the industry leader.

The fuck you laughing at?

The light gun was used by the launch title Duck Hunt. Duck Hunt features three game modes: 1 Duck, 2 Duck, and Clay Shooting. The accuracy of the gun depended upon your distance from your (tube-based) TV. I found that the accuracy overall was pretty good, making for a fun shooting-gallery style game. To enable cheat mode, you held the muzzle of the gun an inch from to the screen. Although simple and repetitive, I always had a good time playing Duck Hunt. I felt like quite the marksman, blasting those small clay pigeons out of the sky, followed by reducing the high-speed ducks found in the later levels to dead projectiles.

What Duck Hunt is iconic for, though, is the dog. American gamers weren't generally accustomed to straight-out mockery by a game because on poor performance, but that's exactly what Duck Hunt did. Miss a duck, and that fucking dog would poke his head up over the brush... and snicker at you. Infuriating! Numerous light-bursts were regularly expelled from the gun in an attempt to blast that laughing mutt.

Yea, I'm sure I won't lose any of the pieces.

If the Light Gun lightly foreshadowed the genius of the Wiimote, it can be said that R.O.B., the Robotic Operating Buddy, was the harbinger of the Virtual Boy. While intriguing in concept, R.O.B. never took off in popularity, hence the fact that only two titles were ever produced to work with it. What R.O.B. did, essentially, was push buttons on controller 2, making him a Buddy that Operated, who happened to be a Robot. Yeah. With the multitude of small plastic components, the unit rarely stayed Operational, as the average 12-year-old wasn't much for taking care of relatively complex apertures, unless they were Lego-based.

Gyromite was one of the two R.O.B.-compatible titles. You are a scientist, trapped within a complex, and you must collect the dynamite and vegetables before being eviscerated by the roaming bad things. I've never had the opportunity to use R.O.B. to play this game, but I did play with a friend. Gyromite transforms from "help from a robotic teammate" to "go ahead, trust me, fall backwards. I'll catch you." Two player Gyromite will show you the true nature of the person you once considered a friend. If they're feeling ambiguous, they'll play the role of R.O.B. and move pylons out of your way so that you can successfully reach the your goals. If they are feeling treacherous (which my friends apparently strive to be), the game becomes a scientist-crushing simulator. It'd be one thing if you could hop out of the way; the game would be mildly versus-like, with player one managing the wily doctor and player two running the death machinations. Unfortunately, it's a carrot of a different color. The moment you cross the threshold of a pylon, you can be instantly destroyed by a bloodthirsty Lucy van Pelt. Once player two reaches ambivalence, the game become a monotonous foray into walking along pathways, collecting stuff and avoiding brain-dead bad guys.

I trusted you, goddamnit ;_ ;

Neither game stands the test of time, not from a game-play point of view nor a technological one. Good luck finding a complete, working R.O.B. to play Gyromite as it was intended, let alone a CRT television to bounce light signals off of. But that’s not what these games are about. What these games represent is an early example of the level of creativity that Nintendo was capable of, and what consumers could come to expect in the following 25 years. Not content with a button-based controller input, Nintendo was willing to take the home video gaming experience into new, uncharted directions. I think the world lost sight of that prior to the Wii launch, but I'm glad that Nintendo hadn't. Redefining the video game experience is something at which Nintendo has become an artisan. It’s my hope that Nintendo Relaunch is able to put that significance into perspective.

Duck Hunt


Gyromite


Review in a Haiku
I want to believe
That light-guns have a future
And robots do not.