Nintendo Halloween Cards

Nintendo Pumpkins

Let's give a shout out to people with way more skill than I have. I'd include a picture of the bat signal pumpkin I carved a couple years ago, but for one, it doesn't fit the theme. And two, it's a hideous, embarrassing mess. Needless to say, I just stick with painting pumpkins nowadays.

REVIEW: Tennis

Game: Tennis
Original Launch: October 1985
Relaunch: October 2010
Rating: 5 stars


It's hard to review old sports games. As much as you try, you can't ignore the bias you have from playing through years of gradual improvements. In football games, you now have a bigger playbook and the ability control different positions. In baseball games, you can now adjust your swing and pick different pitches. Basketball games now allow you to substitute players and set up a pick and roll. Luckily, tennis is a pretty basic game: Just hit the ball back and forth. For the most part, there's not a whole lot that needs changing.

Tennis for NES lets you play singles or doubles, but you'll need a second human player to be your doubles partner. There are five different difficulties to choose from, ranging from 1 (practically disabled) to 5 (borderline superhuman). You can hit regular shots and lob shots, and you can even spike the ball when you are close to the net. You can (kind of) angle your shots if you face your character the right way. Be careful though, because Mario won't hesitate to call your ass out of bounds.

Get used to it.

A hatred for Mario that I never knew existed steadily developed while I played this game. I always knew he worked for Nintendo, but I never knew he was such a partial, cheating, fanboy prick. There were several times when I couldn't help but think that Nintendo Tennis was an inside job. My shots would be within millimeters of the line, and the computer wouldn't even attempt a swing. Meanwhile, Mario sat smugly in his judge's chair, shouting down his unjust rulings. And of course, the computer rarely, if ever, hits the ball out of bounds. If you want points, you're going to have to work for them.

Mario's prejudices aside, Tennis is a decent game. Playing on difficulty 1 is pretty pointless. You can run laps around the court while you wait for your opponent to hit the ball. I played an entire game hitting only lob shots, and I still creamed him.



Difficulty 5, however, is a different story. You can't mess around if you want a chance to beat this guy. Playing on the highest difficulty can be frustrating, but at least it gives you a challenge and gives Tennis a little replay value.

The mechanics are decent, but not great. I got frustrated a lot when I thought I was lined up perfectly, and the shot just kind of fell at my feet. It would be nice if the computer would occasionally hit a ball or two out of bounds. And I wish you could player multiplayer versus matches, instead of just doubles. My biggest problem with Tennis is actually the length of the games. You always play a 5-set match, and most of my games took around 45 minutes to complete. They do go faster, though, when you are getting whooped on the higher difficulty.

Tennis had its moments, but I think its time has passed. There are too many better options out there now if you want a quick, fun tennis game (and if you don't want to deal with the unbelievable asshat that is Judge Mario).



Review in a Haiku
My shot was in bounds,
What a shock...you called it out,
Screw you, Mario.

Stop Motion Zelda

Halloween Ideas: NES Controller

If don't have a Halloween costume yet and you happen to have a giant cardboard box lying around, then you're in luck.








How do you get it backwards?










Fully playable!

REVIEW: Pinball

Game: Pinball
Original Launch: October 1985
Relaunch: October 2010
Rating: 5 Stars



Pinball is video pinball game developed by Nintendo. It chronicles the epic story of a ball and its journey to bump into things and increase the score. It features two screens of bumpers, drop targets and bonuses. Targets include seals, penguins, baby birds and classical pinball elements. If you are lucky or skillful, you can find the bonus round and help Mario save the girl.

Where is the theme here? Weak, at best.

There is a wide variety of different targets to shoot for, and this does a good job of making the two screens feel very different from each other. For an early pinball game, it does a good job of keeping the screen busy and packed with targets. This helps stave off the long, dry stretches that were present in Atari pinball games. The bonus round was a nice addition, and bouncing the ball on Mario to break through the wall and free the princess made a nice change of pace to the traditional pinball screens.

Pinball has a number of flaws which keep it from being a true classic. The ball behavior tends to be rather light and floaty. This is a common problem with earlier video pinball games, so it is easy to forgive. There is no common theme to the boards and targets, and this makes the tables feel like playing pinball in a garage sale. Many other pinball games have a tilt feature, which often gives a little extra influence over the ball behavior. I’m not sure if Pinball omits this as a design decision or a technical limitation, but it does limit your “sphere of influence”. There are no multipliers on the table and this makes high scoring games more a matter of endurance than skill. Finally, Pinball really would have benefited from music beyond what played during the title screen.

In modern video pinball games there are two schools of thought. Simulation type pinball games take great care to accurately reproduce the sights, sounds and physics of an actual pinball table as accurately as possible. This can provide all of the fun and excitement of a physical table and make us miss the classic arcades and pizza parlors.

For the record that is Pauline from Donkey Kong. Not Daisy, not Peach.

The other option is to embrace the video game aspect and use unreal environments, movable targets and boss battles that would not be possible on a physical table.

This Pinball attempts a middle road between the two...and falls short at both. It’s not hard to guess that Pinball loses its appeal pretty quickly. The lack of a theme probably hurts it the worst. A couple changes in sprites and sounds, and this could have been a much more entertaining “Mario Pinball”. Modern pinball machines work best when they put the player into sensory overload with flashing lights and sounds. However Pinball does very little to capture and deliver that energy and you are left with a competent but dreary rendition of the game. Video pinball games have come a long way since Pinball, and in this case you really can’t go home again.

Kung Fu WTF

Video Games | | Kung Fu (NES) With a Twist

XBox 360 | Playstation 3 | Nintendo Wii

I love video game mashups, and this one started on the right foot. Then eight minutes and 100 WTFs later, I'm left stunned. What the hell did I just watch and why was it so long?

REVIEW: Kung Fu

Game: Kung Fu
Original Launch: October 1985
Relaunch: October 2010
Rating: 7 Stars



Kung Fu for the NES is a side-scrolling beat’em up where you take on the role of a martial artist Thomas, out to save his kidnapped girlfriend Sylvia from "Mr.X." Mr X is a very bad man that kidnaps women.

Kung Fu is an arcade port of Kung Fu Master. I’ve played the arcade version, and I have to say that I prefer the NES version. The arcade version featured a tall, lanky hero who, to me, was lethargic in comparison to the hero of the NES Kung Fu. Also, due to the size of the arcade character, there was slightly less of the level shown on screen. The NES version better has tighter controls, and the animation appears faster, giving the game play a more robust feel.

Yea, I'm awesome. So awesome, the next thug is going to hug me.

The game has you ascending the five floors of the Mr. X’s hideout in order to save your Sylvia. The levels are populated by various goons: tall men, short men, and knife-throwers. The knife-throwers throw either high or low, so some patience is required in vanquishing them. Some floors have decorative balls that fall from the ceiling, containing either snakes, dragons, or ninja stars. I haven't seen that many martial arts movies, but I'm left to assume that snakes and dragons in baskets must be a staple. I know that ninja stars are. One floor has holes on the walls, out of which killer moths fly. I think my fear of flying insects was spawned by this game.

Each floor has a mini-boss guarding the stairs. Each boss has his own fighting style, which made each encounter interesting. The first floor boss has a staff, which is pretty easy to avoid. On the second floor, the boss throws two boomerangs, which dish out heinous damage. The boss of floor three is a tall, bald black guy that will kick the shit out of you in like two hits. The fourth floor is guarded by a short troll who's head disappears (OHMYGOD) when kicked. Pro tip: kneel and punch. The fifth and final floor is the home of Mr. X. Although very cool looking, he's kind of a puss. Two jump-kicks to the head and BAM, he's off the ledge.

Your attacks are kick and punch, with the ability to place a well-timed jump kick. The jump kick can knock out floating or flying enemies, along with taking out multiple goons, if they are lined up close enough. Punching has a shorter range, but you get 200 points per hit as opposed to 100, making it advantageous to racking up a high score. Punching has the advantage of being a faster attack, though.

I'm tired of these motherfucking snakes on my motherfucking head.

The game has good play control, and the graphics are solid. I like the sound effects; each one fits well to the corresponding event, such as the hero’s Hyyahh! with each kick/punch, to the sound of a ball popping on the floor and snake squeeking out. The background music is good fit to the motif, as well. There's a constant sense of urgency throughout the game. Regarding replay, once you defeat Mr. X, the game starts over with increased difficulty. It makes for a good arcade-style challenge.

Kung Fu stands the test of time. Getting a feel for the game leads to gratifying moments, such as jump-kicking two tall stooges, sailing over the short one in the middle, landing and low-kicking the shit out of a knife-thrower. Just like real life.




Review in a Haiku
Those damn ceiling balls,
Falling and exposing snakes.
Someone call PETA!

Mario vs the World

Excitebike...in 3D

Going with the trend of everything needlessly being converted into 3D, let's see what what it would be like if Excitebike were in 3D.




See more pictures from Justin Harder.

REVIEW: Excitebike

Game: Excitebike
Original Launch: October 1985
Relaunch: October 2010
Rating: 7 stars


Excitebike is a pretty simple motorcycle racing game. There are three game modes: Selection A, Selection B, and Design. Selection A is essentially practice mode,

Red, Blue, Purple and... crap, I can't think of any other colors. Make two of them purple.

where you ride through 5 different tracks trying to beat the best time. Selection B has all of the same tracks, but you are racing against three other riders. These guys are really just extra obstacles, though. Their race times have no effect on your placement. (As a matter of fact, no matter how many times you pass them, those bastards keep respawning all over the track.)

Okay, now you're just being a dick.

Excitebike is best played with a second person, even though there is no official multiplayer option. Just pass the controller back and forth in between races. It's not as much fun taunting Purple Rider #2 when you beat the best time by 2/10 of a second. Plus, what's the point in designing a course from hell if you can't torture some poor soul with it?

At least you can get some sick pleasure in knocking the computer riders off their bikes over and over again.



The Design feature suffers on the NES because you can't actually save anything like you could on the Famicom. Once you power down your system, your tracks (and your best times) are lost forever. However, now that you can play Excitebike on an emulator, you can save all of your tracks to play later. This helps a lot with replayability.

I remember liking Excitebike a lot as a kid. The music is catchy as hell, and the mechanics are super simple: gas, turbo gas, and the directional pad. You can just jump right in, even if you only have a few minutes to spare. The game doesn't have a lot of depth, but if you're looking for something to whip out at a party (something that won't get the cops called on you), this should do just fine.



Review in a Haiku
Don't follow too close
Or I will knock your ass down
Again and again

REVIEW: Ice Climber

Game: Ice Climber
Original Launch: October 1985
Relaunch: October 2010
Rating: 3 Stars


Ice Climber is a vertical platform game developed by Nintendo. In this game you play Popo and Nana, two Eskimos chasing a condor up a mountain to recover stolen vegetables.

Which one is the pterodactyl?

I’m pretty sure that the condor is actually a pterodactyl but that doesn’t make the premise make any more sense. Because Western audiences were overly sensitive to the topic of baby seal clubbing, the baby seals in the Japanese version were changed to ferocious Hoth Wampa beasts. Also present are the obligatory annoying birds. Other characters include a polar bear who wears sunglasses and a bathing suit, just in case you aren’t taking global warming seriously.

Fearsome Hoth Wampa beast pictured above

You ascend each of 32 mountains by running, jumping, sliding around on various platforms. Each mountain is pretty short but punctuated by 7 or 8 impossible jumps. Near the top you reach the bonus round in which you collect your stolen veggies and reap bloody revenge on that condor/pterodactyl thing. The jumping is twitchy, imprecise and frustrating to the extreme, so your odds of getting to the top of any level past the first few are pretty bleak. As luck would have it, you can hammer pretty much any enemy in the game as long as they are at ground level. You can kill flying enemies by jumping into them as long as you have reached a certain height of your jump before bumping the enemy. This is actually pretty confusing and amounts to yet another frustrating facet of game play.

32 levels of this...

The characters from Ice Climber are playable characters in the Smash Bros. series of fighting games. However, the inclusion Popo and Nana in a series about staying on a platform is about as appropriate as including Amy Winehouse in a game about sobriety. It also features a co-op mode which could be fun if you were a clinical psychologist chronicling Player 2’s spiraling decent into madness.

The problem is that even after you suffer through the learning curve and master the horrible jumping, the game never really becomes fun.

Honestly I really did want to love this game due to the bizarre premise and cute characters, but the punishing and frustrating game play made playing through the game’s 32 levels feel about as painful as climbing 32 mountains.