REVIEW: Urban Champion

Game: Urban Champion
Original Launch: November 1985
Relaunch: December 2010
Rating: 2 stars


Wow.

Wow.

This game needs a re-boot.

Oh, “Hi” again loyal flock. Simon here and I've been cursed with two related obsessions:
1.I love fighting games.
2.I love NES classics.

The two used to be mutually exclusive and, except for the occasional “River City Ransom” or “Karate Champ”, I had never seen a fighting game similar to the likes of Street Fighter II. Until now.

Urban Champion!
With AWESOME 2 Player options!
Urban Champion!
With multiple stages!
Urban Champion!
With large characters......
Urban Champion!
With a crappy fatality!!!
Urban Champion!
With pure unadulterated 8-bit sound!
Yes, I said a fatality!

Before we get to that, let's go over the logistics. It's a 1 to 2 Player head-to-head fighter. It's set in a non-descriptive urban locale. You have 5 colors on your character (as opposed to 4) and FIVE different attack and dodge functions!

As the game starts out, you are a nameless street warrior bent on getting to the right side of the screen. But you have a secret...you are slowly dying of what I can only describe as a sentient Lou Gehrig disease with a sense morality. Each time your aggression gets the better of you and you attack, you lose health. But what challenges do you face you ask? You must fight your palate-swapped evil twin brother, COM. Along the way to defeating COM, you are assaulted by flowerpots that violate terminal velocity and the shame that you get from playing this game.

Your moves list are as follows:
A+Down= Low Jab
A+Up= High Jab
B+Down= Body Blow
B+Up= Hay-maker
Left= Dodge

Not too bad for a reeeeellllllllllyyyyyyy crappy game. What? I didn't warn you ahead of time? Well, if you want to get out of the car now when we're almost done with the trip, I wouldn't blame you.
I was throwing haymakers the whole time and, if I didn't want to live anymore, I would have been punching COM into the sewer forever. (Can 'forever' be two words? For ever. Naahh, it doesn't look right.) When you knock out your opponent, or when you get knocked out, the intended target falls into an open manhole. (Can 'manhole' be two words? Man hole? Yeah, it looks funnier that way.) When COM falls into the man hole, another COM pops out of nowhere to take his place. I think the best way to make this game salvageable would be to put you in black leather, a black trench coat, and sunglasses and put COM in a black suit and call it Neo vs. Agent Smiths.

I can't wait until Urban Champion II: Warring Warriors Warring



Review in a Haiku
Urban Champion
Don't think about playing this
You thought, didn't you

-Simon-