REVIEW: Baseball

Game: Baseball
Original Launch: October 1985
Relaunch: November 2010
Rating: 6 stars

Don't say they didn't warn you

The NES launched in America with several sports games: Football, Tennis, Golf, and Baseball. Baseball might be the best of the bunch. It has a fair amount of issues, for sure; but the controls are fairly in depth for a sports game of its time, and the multiplayer can be pretty fun.

Baseball has one mode: a 9-inning exhibition game that you can either play against the computer or a friend. You can choose from one of six teams: A, C, D, P, R, or Y.

The old school rivalry: A vs R

The letters are supposed to represent the Athletics, Cardinals, Dodgers, Phillies, Royals, and Yankees. No specific players are mentioned in the game, however the color schemes for each team are about right.

Pitching is my favorite part of the game, even though it can be frustrating at times. You have four pitches to choose from (fastball, changeup, curve, and screwball), and you can actually move the pitch left and right after you throw the ball. You can even try to pick off the baserunners, though I've never been successful. (On the other hand, every time I even think of stealing a base, the computer picks me off.) If you make a mistake or throw the ball right down the middle, the computer will usually make you pay. And similar to Nintendo's Tennis game, if the ball is out of the strike zone, the computer will rarely swing at it.

This ball hit me in the face, and I still swung

Hitting is pretty simple. Swing the bat, hit the ball. You can stop your swing halfway to try to bunt. The timing of your swing determines where you hit the ball. Unlike the computer, who's plate discipline is uncanny, I will swing at pretty much every piece of crap they throw. [SPORTS JOKE ALERT] If the computer is Tony Gwynn, I am Mario Mendoza.

So far, this game sounds pretty good, right? That's because we haven't talked about the fielding yet. Sweet Sammy Sosa, the fielding is atrocious in this game. There were times I wasn't even positive my controller was plugged in. The developers even knew the fielding mechanisms were terrible, but apparently, they figured this disclaimer would be good enough:



I really can't tell you how annoying the fielding is. If the computer's hit made it into the outfield, the ball invariably rolled past my guys all the way to the wall. Then I just ran in circles like a bumbling idiot while the computer circled the bases. Is the computer controlling my defenders? Am I controlling the left fielder or the center fielder? Do I have a mental disability? I honestly don't know after playing this game.

The two player mode is much more enjoyable. The fielding is still just as terrible, but at least you're both swinging at balls in the dirt and getting inside-the-park home runs on grounders to the short stop. The game kind of drags on, especially with no music (except during home runs) and few sound effects. Expect to take the better part of an hour to play one game.

Game set, team P!

Baseball for NES got a lot of things right. The pitching and hitting set the bar for games to come like R.B.I. Baseball and Baseball Stars. I love that you can choose from some actual MLB teams, even if it doesn't really mean anything. Unfortunately, the fielding is so bad, Baseball loses most of its replay value.




Review in a Haiku
Errors in the field,
Overshadowing the game,
It is a damn shame.

Coming soon...Wrecking Crew!

Duck Hunt shirt

Woot has a cool Duck Hunt shirt for sale (today only!) for $10.

Play It: Wrecking Crew

To prepare for tomorrow's review, play the underrated puzzle game Wrecking Crew.

REVIEW: 10-Yard Fight

Game: 10-Yard Fight
Original Launch: October 1985
Relaunch: November 2010
Rating: 2 stars


Sometimes there are some games that come along,
These games aren't very fun or very strong,
They need to be reviewed; all of them do,
But we don't want to bore with the review,
So in an effort to help you tonight,
In iambic verse is how I'll write:

There are five difficulties in this game,
While they grow strong, your skill remains the same,
In order to advance to the next round,
A touchdown is the goal that must be found.

There is no point in attempting a pass,
The defense always intercepts your ass,
If they are even slightly in your way,
They pick the ball; they always make you pay.

Not only is he humping my face, he is also intercepting my pass.

There are occasions when they're kind of dumb,
Like on kickoffs or just a simple run,
Criss-cross the field, run backwards if you must,
They won't catch you; they will just eat your dust.

Pro tip: run all the way to the left, then block them all at once.

Though you can beat all of the other guys,
There is one thing you do that I despise:
It's like your cleats are filled with lead or stone,
You move so slow, it makes me have to groan.

Frustration is the theme of 10-Yard Fight,
It's rarely fun and doesn't get much right,
With so much wrong with it, it isn't whole,
I cannot wait till I play Tecmo Bowl.




Review in a Haiku
Diagonal lines:
Run in them, and you will score.
Computer is dumb.

25th Anniversary Super Mario Brothers Cake

The cake makers at Pink Cake Box have made the best Mario cake you'll probably ever see.









Shigeru Miyamoto cut the cake in Rockefeller Center, celebrating Nintendo's 25th anniversary:

Junior, I am disappoint.

If Bowser was smart

REVIEW: Donkey Kong Jr. Math

Game: Donkey Kong Jr. Math
Original Launch: October 1985
Relaunch: November 2010
Rating: 4 stars


Donkey Kong Jr. Math was a bomb. It was the worst selling NES launch title. It was an "edutainment" game that did so poorly, Nintendo canceled the Education Series in the U.S. and shot the person who came up with the word "edutainment." It's widely regarded as awful, embarrassing, confusing, and just plain boring.

But I kind of liked it.

I think I'm doing it wrong.

The main menu gives you three options: Calculate A, Calculate B, and +−×÷ Exercise. Calculate A is two players, where player 1 controls Donkey Kong Jr. and player 2...also controls Donkey Kong Jr. Well, a pink Donkey Kong Jr. Perhaps a sister? Perhaps just a fashionable friend? According to the manual, it's not nearly that exciting. The characters are Junior (I) and Junior (II). Papa (Donkey Kong) holds up a number, and the players race to make a math problem that equals that number.

It's pretty simple when you're just trying to add up to 49. Grab a 7, a multiplication sign, another 7...BAM. You win the round.

WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME!

But when you're trying to get to -649 and other negative numbers in Calculate B, it's a little harder. The winner of the round gets an apple. First player to five apples wins a spot standing next to Papa while the other Junior is left having a seizure down below.

This mode can actually be pretty fun when you have a second player (assuming you are both nerds).

WHO AM I!

Maybe I'm just too competitive, but I like stealing the division sign out from under my opponent or laughing at him when he falls in the water and Junior's eyeballs bulge out. You should be able to get a few rounds of fun from this mode every once in a while. And if you need to make things a little harder, use only multiplication and division signs.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE YELLING ABOUT!

You can pretend you're doing math homework with the +−×÷ Exercise mode. If you're OCD and aiming for a perfect score, this mode is frustrating as hell. There are 10 questions, each worth 100 points. If you get a digit wrong or hesitate for even a second, you lose points. It's hard to tell exactly what digit you're selecting since the numbers are on one side of the screen, and you're climbing a rope on the other side. If you climb even ever-so-slightly past the correct digit, kiss your perfect score good-bye. If you really can't figure out the math problem, you can just skip it, but you don't get any points.


Donkey Kong Jr. Math can be a fun game. It's not great, but it's not as terrible as most people are making it out to be. You're not going to get hours of enjoyment out of it. You're not going to take a picture your high score and have your mom put it on the fridge. But if you've got a friend and are tired of Scattergories, pop this in for a few rounds. If the one-player mode had tighter controls, this game would get a better rating.

Donkey Kong Jr. Math is barely educational. If you don't already know your multiplication tables, you're going to struggle. But it is mildly entertaining, even if it's only for 15 minutes at a time.



Review in a Haiku
Monkeys doing math,
disguised as an arcade game,
It's Edutainment!

Play It: Donkey Kong Jr. Math

You know you're bored right now. So prepare for tomorrow's review and play Donkey Kong Jr. Math in your browser.



Oh, and you'll need to study this too.

Koopa Gets a Star

Can you jump over the flagpole?

Video Games | Pop-Fiction | Episode 2: Mario Flagpole

XBox 360 | Playstation 3 | Nintendo Wii

I refuse to believe this. I REFUSE!!

If Super Mario Bros. was made in 2010

It's funny because it's true. And kids today are dumb.

















Awesome job here by Zack Hiwiller. Check out his site.

Super Mario Bros. on a curb

In preparation for our Super Mario Bros. review tomorrow, here's something ten times more awesome than anything you'll ever do. And yes, that includes curing cancer.

The video:

The making of:

Nintendo Halloween Cards

Nintendo Pumpkins

Let's give a shout out to people with way more skill than I have. I'd include a picture of the bat signal pumpkin I carved a couple years ago, but for one, it doesn't fit the theme. And two, it's a hideous, embarrassing mess. Needless to say, I just stick with painting pumpkins nowadays.